Top Six Marriage Challenges After the Baby Arrives
Have you ever watched birds feeding their frantic young in the nest? All that squawking and fluttering about to satisfy those hungry open beaks is amazing! No wonder the bird parents appear to be exhausted. It turns out, we humans may not be all that different from birds.
John Medina in his book Brain Rules for Baby, writes about study after study that proves a majority of couples face a period where they are less happy with their marriage after the baby arrives. At first, this seems like a startling revelation that adding a new family member results, at least initially, in an increase in unhappiness. What is going on?
Number one, both parents are exhausted by the change in sleep and eating schedules immediately imposed on them by this demanding little person. Most babies do not sleep through the night for a number of months interrupting parents’ sleep and REM schedules tremendously. There is nothing like fatigue to wear a person down emotionally and physically!
Sleep habits vary drastically from one baby to another, and there isn’t a magic solution to this trying time in parenthood. Although you may just have to temporarily “suck it up,” there are at least some tips and tricks to make it a little less burdensome. For starters, take turns attending to the baby so your spouse can rest. There’s nothing worse than two heavily sleep deprived and struggling parents, so maximize your time by trading off. You might also consider a good rocking chair to sit in while you feed and hold your baby. An exercise ball is another great and affordable solution. Your job is to get the baby fed and back to bed, so make this easier for yourself. Probably the most important tip of all, continue holding and rocking your baby for SEVERAL minutes after the baby falls asleep. As sleep deprived parents, it’s our tendency to jump the gun here, and you’ll regret it. Just like the rest of us, babies take time to transition to deeper sleep. If you interrupt their sleep too early, you’ll be back to square one of the routine before you know it.
Number two, a mother’s hormones undergo a tremendous change after giving birth. Her body was all ramped up with hormones delivering nutrients and support to a growing baby. The delivery results in one of the greatest efforts and discharge of adrenaline she will ever experience in her lifetime. Recovering from all that emotional and physical exertion can cause a sudden drop in hormones and emotional resilience that can surprise even the most robust or hardy of women. If she then goes on to breastfeed her infant, another new set of demands are put on her. Breastfeeding is beneficial for both the mother and baby so it is well worth the initial discomfort as it creates a bonding between mother and child that is not easily replaced. Even with the excitement of welcoming a new baby, some mothers experience a very real and frightening postpartum depression. Fathers may be quite surprised by this response when the baby was so desired and anticipated. Empathy and understanding is essential in supporting your spouse through this potentially difficult time. Within nine months, the mother’s body has undergone tremendous changes, and there is nothing that truly compares in the normal experiences of a man. Although he might never fully grasp the emotional magnitude of pregnancy and childbirth, understanding the reality of postpartum depression can help him recognize the importance of providing even more love and support. Don’t be afraid to reach out to her doctor, family, and friends to help her get through this challenging time.
Number three, both parents’ roles change drastically with the arrival of this new family member. A few generations in the past, men knew their job was to provide for the family and women knew their job was to care for children and the home. Those roles are now more fluid, and we have created some flexibility for both parents. This does not mean that there will not be tension as a couple renegotiates their roles and adjusts to the new demands on both of them. Fathers can change diapers, assist with feeding, clean up around the house, run errands, and even become the primary caretaker depending upon the couple’s income and work arrangement flexibility. Mothers can explore their work/family balance as well, and all of these negotiations must take place to maintain sanity and care for all three members of the household. Do not underestimate the challenges of finding and adjusting the balance of roles. Sometimes either spouse will feel jealous of the freedom or connection the other spouse has either in the larger world or in building the relationship with their baby. Husbands and wives may feel emotionally neglected by their spouse. Suddenly this child is the focus of their attention and affection. Emotional exhaustion may affect the couple sexually and emotional bonds may be changing with their new roles. Having a baby introduces a tremendous amount of responsibility and potential stress. As the demands will be different from one parent to the other, it’s important to listen and support each other in adjusting to these new responsibilities.
Number four, the redistribution of time and money can lead to conflicts. Each couple is now planning for the financial needs of three people and may find themselves having to do without hobbies and activities that drain resources and time from the family. They may have to make do with fewer new clothes, furniture, cars, and other acquisitions as they renegotiate financial priorities. Many people begin saving for their child’s future education and their own retirement at this stage in life. The new found responsibilities for another dependent human being leads to writing a will and planning for greater financial stability for family members and their future. Bringing a new family member into the world is a tremendous adjustment to how people see themselves and their finances in the future.
Number five, having a child changes your relationships with friends and family members. It may deepen your relationships with friends who already have children or who are expecting their first child. Suddenly, you have many new experiences to share with those friends and to learn from each other what does and does not work with young children. Of course, every child is different, so you may just be gathering ideas on how to address the ever changing landscape of raising young children.
Number six is that sometimes family and friends may make you feel like you were just dropped into a competitive parenting contest. Everyone’s child is so amazing and accomplished, you begin to question your parenting choices and the decisions you already made to nurture this tiny human being. Trust yourselves! You will always know your child and your personal situation best. Each baby’s developmental journey is unique, and children naturally develop skills and abilities at different rates. DO NOT stress - child development is not a race, and the pace at which your child hits these early milestones has little bearing on his or her future success. You may find it surprising that Einstein didn’t even speak his first full sentence until the ripe age of two and a half. We all know of his amazing brilliance, so take a step back, and give your child some space to develop the foundational skills at his 0or her own pace.
Unfortunately, as your life is increasingly consumed by your child’s needs, you may find some friendships feel more strained with people who do not have children of their own. Parenting is an amazingly personal journey and begins to shape you and your family. Some friends can relate and share in your joys and sorrows while others will fall away because they simply do not understand the personal transformation that is part of putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own.
Do not be distressed if your marriage takes a short term beating with the arrival of a new baby. This is normal, and the shared experiences you’ll create in challenging times, will lead to even stronger bonds with your partner long-term. Expect some bumps in the road and strengthen your communication with your spouse. Make time to leave your baby with a sitter or family member so that you have time to focus on and repair your marriage. Strong listening and communication skills are necessary to carry you through this thrilling, yet sometimes terrifying life transition. Do not be afraid to reach out to friends and family members for support. You do not have to brave this life change alone.
What are some marriage challenges you’ve faced after having a child? How did you resolve them with your spouse?
Please share your thoughts by commenting on this post or within our Momma and Poppa Sprout Facebook community.
If you found this post valuable, please subscribe to our email list and click the social media icons to share with others! We greatly appreciate our readers, and it is through your support by commenting and sharing that we can continue creating content!
Do you have questions for the authors? Please feel free to ask us anything by commenting below or by emailing us at support@smartysprout.com.